Airport Rankings

Hmm, since travel season is basically underway (I almost typed underwear) , I figured I'd chime in with my list of airports to love and avoid. I'm sticking with domestic, because a) no one's really flying international for Thanksgiving, and b) it's a fairly predictable list...Singapore-Hong Kong-Dubai-Amsterdam-Munich for the good, all Indian airports for the bad. Plus I could go on for pages and pages about the loud dirty cespool that is the Bombay International Airport. And you really don't want me to. To go off on a minor tangent, why aren't the American airports as nice as those international ones? Like in Singapore (where I once won $400 on an airport game show) or Dubai, you can get a nice Westin room to nap for 6 hours during layovers for like $20. Silly Americans. Anyway. Also, when are they going to put a movie theater or amusement park in an airport? Do they have one somewhere? Am I missing this?


I‘d rather be in Bombay:
25. Atlanta. If you've ever been to the baggage claim, you know what I mean. Think about this logically: if you're the busiest airport in the world, efficiency is very important. At LAX, you have, say 7 different terminals (international, united, american, delta, southwest, random domestics, etc). You arrive at your terminal, go down to the baggage claim, get your bag, and have someone pick you up. You're only dealing with approximately 1/7 of the total baggage and airport traffic to find your ride/get out. Atlanta, on the other hand, (a busier airport) decides that it's a good idea to put ALL the effing baggage claims in one place. You get off your plane, ride a monorail that herds ALL the arriving passengers to once place. Meanwhile, you always beat your luggage, because while the monorail is fairly quick, you have to wait for a man on a 5 mph cart to drag your luggage across 2 miles of parallel terminals. Then you deal with a shitshow that rivals the chaos of a Korean Dog Market (I'm guessing). Then you have to find your person, and get through the traffic of everyone leaving from one place. Thank god for cell phones, otherwise you'd never find someone you were trying to meet. I have, in fact, been paged there, when I was meeting a family friend, and we ended up running around missing each other for an hour. Fortunately, my sister just moved to Atlanta (a fine city otherwise), and I get to deal with that airport regularly. Yay!

I’d rather be in Iraq:
24. Miami. The last time I was there it was really loud and there was construction going on everywhere, security lines were long, and it had a confusing layout. And horrible traffic flow in/out of the airport. From what I hear, the Fort Lauderdale airport is much nicer. On the plus side, you're in Miami. Also, it was on the receiving end of that flight in Red Eye, so major minus points.

23. Kansas City. Never, ever, ever get stuck here. It's like 25 miles north of the city, out in bumblefuck, and there is absolutely nothing to do. It's small, shaped like a 3 leaf clover, but each terminal is equally barren. It's pretty quick though, since they do individual security for each group of 3-4 gates. So fast to arrive, but never leave from here. You'll end up trying to hijack a plane out of boredom. (...)

22. Boston. Sorry, Stringer. It's old, squeaky, dirty, small, cramped, and has no facilities or shops. It's Fenway, but without the charm or history. I'd much rather fly into Providence. Or eat poop.

I‘d rather watch Stanford football (ok maybe not):
21. Dulles. National’s nice, but expensive and has fewer flights. Dulles is a pit of dispair. One of the terminals has you walking through some 800 foot hanger that seems utterly pointless to me. No real food options, dirty, odd layout, and there’s not much to do. Once we waited for 10 minutes to deplane because the ground crew couldn’t figure out how to attach the stairs to the plane. Um, don’t they do that, like, every 10 minutes? Fly into Baltimore or Reagan if you can.

20. Philadelphia. I'm not really sure how bad the airport was, but the staff there was just really unhelpful, and the layout was a bit confusing, and it took far too long to figure out how to get into the city. Brotherly Love my ass.

19. Cincinnati. It's got an amazing art collection. On the other hand, you're in Cincinnati.

18. STL. Since TWA got bought out, American sorta downsized the airport. It's not a bad airport, and the new Southwest terminal is really nice, but blah. Used to be pretty bustling, now it's pretty much dead after 8PM. Good beer selection though. One of the few that carries Boulevard.

Not bad, but room for improvement:
17. Honolulu. It's a bit old and run down, and something seems a little fishy about the locals hanging around, but it has nice gardens, and the hot women handing out leis are a nice touch. They should have this everywhere, like having rich old Jews welcome you in Miami, or C-list actors in Los Angeles, or migrant workers in Fresno.

16. Dallas. It's overly huge, but it has wireless internet everywhere, like 4 Admiral's clubs (which is good if you are American, like me) and a nifty indoor monorail system. Minus points for having something like a 6 hour overnight flight to Miami in that horrible 2005 film, Red Eye.

15. Sea-Tac. I have a really early memory from when I was like 7 of flying here one Christmas break and being really excited about riding a monorail in an airport. And they had a huge Christmas tree up. That's about all I have to say about this airport, but I'm pretty sure it's still a good airport. Oh! I did fly into there (and out, same day) for the Stanford-UW football game in '01, had a bit of a security line, but that was after 9/11, so who knows.

Can‘t really go wrong:
14. LAX. I think I may bump this up, since for such a huge airport it's well maintained. Pretty convenient to get to (ie the East Coast airports are usually farther out of the city...you can get from LAX to the sunset strip in 20 minutes), is pretty efficient (you can bypass terminals with nifty shortcuts), has a nice revolving restaurant (that is ass expensive). I guess they just need to renovate some of the older terminals. I did have dinner here with NBA rookie James Augustine, so that was cool.

13. JFK. Just really dilapidated. Some of the terminals/baggage claim is a bit confusing. But major bonus points for the Air India entrance. I don't know if the other international airlines are like this, but it's got a crazy setup. You walk in through a ground level entrance into what appears to be a hotel lobby, complete with fountains and gaudy gold statues that Indians love. Maroon crushed velvet couches everywhere. You check in at a front desk, then go up an escalator, assuming this will lead to a nice room. Instead, you are backended into this giant warehouse looking sterile terminal, that's mostly empty except for little Indian kids running around. It's just really really odd. I haven't been through that in about 15 years, but I dearly hope it's still the same. Actually, the JetBlue terminal is nice, and has free internet. And bonus points for keeping the big TWA sign up on that 1960's futuristic Terminal 5 (I think they use it in movies). Actually scratch this, JFK belongs on the good list.

Sigh of relief when Orbitz sends me through here:
12. Phoenix. I can’t really put my finger on it, but it’s a nice layover airport. It’s newish, clean, has a lot of restaurants and bars where I seem to end up killing time a lot. Plus I used to run into people I knew here all the time, and I’m not sure why. Once I ran into a screw-your-roommate date that didn't quite work out. Awkward.

11. SFO. Very cool airport, I like the architecture. Needs better transportation between terminals though. Good restaurants (like a sushi place) and quirky shops you'd expect in Norcal. Good flight selection too. On the other hand, I found a security loophole once when I came back from India and had a 6 hour layover so they didn't ever check my bags at customs. But I did go see Ocean's Eleven during that layover with Noah Veltman.

10. Denver. I wasn't sure which list to put this on, since it's a huge effing warehouse, and until the last few years, had too many empty gates. Still, it's the biggest airport in the country (random, huh?) and has a lot to do. Lots of internet places, food, practically a mall, etc. If you're going to be holed up for a while, this or O'Hare are pretty good places for it. Question. If you score here, are you automatically in the mile high club?

9. Vegas. What happens in the Las Vegas airport, stays in the Las Vegas airport.

The Hot List:
T8-5. Miscellaneous California Airports (Ontario, Burbank, San Jose, Orange County)...they're all very well maintained, constantly being rebuilt or renovated such that none of them are older than 15 years old (except maybe Burbank, which is now being renovated). They're probably as clean or cleaner than any of the other airports on this list. San Jose used to be a tiny dump, but now it's expanded and is nice. Plus, all of these airports fly everywhere without having to go through LAX or SFO or anything, and OC/SJ have some international flights too.

4. CoMo. As hole-in-the-wall as it gets. Two gates, and two destinations (KC and STL). Actually maybe Chicago too. But it's a great 19 minute flight to STL, and 24 to KC (22 and 21 on the way in, because of wind). You never have to wait for baggage. You get the same person to check you in, run your security, and sometimes, act as stewardess. You don't lose cell phone service on the flight. And the kicker, if you're running late, you can call the airport and they'll hold the flight for a few minutes for you. What's not to love?

Rockin like a Disco:
3. Charlotte. I've only been there once or twice, but it's extremely clean and has tons of shops/restaurants (inside and) outside of security, which is key in the post 9/11 era, so families and friends can actually have something to do. I almost missed my flight getting distracted here.

2. Long Beach. Probably my favorite airport in the world. It looks like it's still in it's original 1920's form, when Howard Hughes did crap there, and it was the golden age of Hollywood and all that jazz. You can practically picture the zeppelins tethered to the field (also, there are blimps there, which makes the mental imagery easier). It's tiny (4 gates), you walk out to your plane. But it has a cool museum upstairs with a nice little diner type restaurant where you can watch everything. Only gets a few airlines (American, JetBlue, and AmWest I think) but it's pretty convenient. Cheap parking and friendly people. Bonus points: celebs use this airport sometime since it's quieter and quicker, and of course, Snoop.

1. O'Hare. The standard by which the big American airports can be judged...busiest (tied with Atlanta) airport, but still very efficient. Clean and modern. Gets you places on time, lots of good bookstores and clothing/electronics stores and restaurants. Very clean. Bonus points for Chicago-style pizza and good sports bars (I got sloshed watching the Fiesta Bowl here last year). Trivia question...why is O'Hare's code ORD?
Answer: ORD stands for Orchard Field, the original Chicago Airport which existed there. The more you know!
Oh! I just remembered! This is the site of my epic "I have a massive massive boner...I mean pizza" voicemail I left my cousin when I was still drunk from Missouri, and I ended up waiting in a line for 30 minutes for a flight to St. Louis instead of LA. Awesome.

Any others I’m missing? I know Minny and Detroit are alright. Houston’s airports are kinda small, not sure if New Orleans is around anymore, and I’m guessing they’re just discovering flight in Alabama.